A car just went past me on the road at 19:36 on the 12th September of 2016. By habit I read its number 09 3399. By habit I nulled out the nines and added the 3s to 6. 6 would what define the car at that moment, in an aspect unknown to the binding universe. No it’s not numerology. No it’s not science either. It’s just the number of the particular brand of car, and model that went past me that moment in my life, when I was lost in my thoughts of which I had no memory of anymore. Burnt and dusted to the wind as the car went past me. Why a number? And why not the whole length but the sum? Well number is simple to remember and the smallest digit it is, the easier it is to put in the slot on the roulette. No, it doesn’t make sense. Even to me. I just know to add numbers and that’s what I do when I find them. And I don’t know the complicated addition. I can do just two single digits at a time. But I can do them without error and effectively countless times. Integrating the indifferentiable parts. But what use do numbers have? How does a number even happen? It was all that we could count on in this ever so chaotic world, with our meddling fingers. From the same hand that throws the dice and deals the cards.
Being a withdrawn kid with anger issues, the games I mostly play were the ones that used dice and cards. Mostly with my mother, as the occasions of having the family and friends over were restricted to summer. And not all them summers. You may think rolling a dice is based on pure chance. Shuffle as hard as you can and throw them as far as possible, it’s going to turn up only one way. One of the faces of the probable outcomes. But is it a predetermined outcome or does it turns itself to a random number generated by the exact moment the atomic clock counts. I mean you go to that moment in time countless times and you throw the exact number. Who could ever confirm? You could always count the chances but how would you calculate the occurrence? And how come my mom won most of the time we played with the dice, may it be Paramapatham or Dhaayam. If it were pure chance, shouldn’t I have won at least half of them. How did she always choose the right time to throw the dice? I tried to learn her trick. Observing all the throws and noting all the time and all the ways the dice are thrown. Counting the chances and occurrences concurrently for every game we played there on. But what if it could be applied to life? Who doesn’t want a win? But what if the rules were different? It wasn’t too late to look into. I started counting things. The time, the date, the day, the week, the month, the year, the steps it took for me to reach that point, the number of people around, the types of things they are doing, the different ways they are doing it, etc. I started to observe. But my conscious mind was already too occupied with the randomness; I left it for the subconscious to count and formulate the theory of numbers, the total sum of life.
So I applied what I learnt. The only way to confirm the theory was by trial and error. Trial was the easier part. But the errors would just fuck up your life. It did. But it was all part of the study, a sacrifice of a lab rat for the betterment of humanity. So I took my chances. I chose the right moment to roll the dice, as decided by my subconscious. Impulsively I led my life. But it was not like I was playing all my hands. You need to know when to fold. Withdraw the ones that don’t interest you so you don’t have to cling to the slithering snake and slide down in your game. But it may happen, more often than you expect, and it was all a lesson. And ain’t them hard? How much skillful a player can be, the outcome is still not formulated. It is still a game of chance, but how you handle it is knowing what to throw, which card you need to pick, which book you should buy, the bus you climb, the flowers you pick, the letters you write, the stones you throw, the turns you make, the hearts you choose, and etc. Sometimes you can choose randomly, the clothes you want to wear but not the shoes you want to step in. But this game’s purpose is not to ace. It’s not about winning. It’s all about learning the game; to find the sum of life. But it would take me my life time. And the answer, I’m taking it to the grave.
“He deals the cards to find the answer
The sacred geometry of chance
The hidden laws of a probable outcome
The numbers lead a dance”